Muckler Media Meditations

WHITE HOT & SIGNIFICANTLY PROFITABLE
GOOGLE, GOOGLE, GOOGLE, GOOGLE, GOOGLE!!! (This sort of thing does wonders for your Pagerank.) Apparently there's going to be a Google IPO, and I am terribly excited because the Google IPO will help drum up attention for my new show --- Search Engine Omniverse! A very well-known, respected and important reporter whose name I will not divulge (MUCH more important than Andrew Ross Sorkin, whoever that is!) called me recently with lots of questions about the Google IPO. I told him that Search Engine Omniverse (SEO) would be significantly profitable right off the bat! And when he asked "Please, Mr. Muckler, can we stay focused on the Google IPO?" I said that our show in Macao did terrific, and the one remaining SEO show we are contracted to hold at Hudson Bay will also do terrific, despite the unethical machinations of Leaping Walrus, the women at Rite-Aid and Mary Meeker!

Book your seats at Search Engine Omniverse now!

RITE-AID REDUX
I drove by the Rite-Aid last week and there were hardly any cars in the parking lot, even though I'm pretty sure one of them belonged to Mary Meeker. Our message is getting through!

"NEW" INTERNET SERVICES
I am in the Duchy of Grand Fenwick this week, a small European country I purchased --- the newest feather in the ornate and multi-variegated crown that is the Muckler Media empire. (Unfortunately, the strip clubs here in the Duchy close at 2am, so I decided to return to my hotel room, download music and blog!)

Several days ago, back in New York, my finger was poised over the "mouse" of my computer, ready to install Real Networks' RealOne media player on my lap-top. Luckily, at that exact moment, Muckler Media's music analyst, whose name I cannot recall, was strolling by and screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" at the top of his lungs, as if I were about to plunge a dagger into the chest of an infant. (Something I have not done for years, and not without very good reason!) After he regained consciousness, he explained to me that Real Networks is run by a pack of "spyware" "spammers", or something like that. And that's a bad thing, apparently!

Since my interest is in downloading music, he directed me to Apple's iTunes Store, which is vastly superior. If I had gone through with the default installation of RealOne, he said, all sorts of unwanted applications and services would have been installed and my PC's operating system would have been altered in nefarious ways. Even my vast, crack IT team would have been unable to reverse them all. I'm sure glad I have industry experts like whatsisname working for me.

XTC vs. ADAM ANT
XTC versus Adam Ant --- content versus form. Fighting for their place in rock and roll, there is no right or wrong. Just when you think it's finished with XTC on top, Ant music, like a phoenix, flies back up the charts. XTC versus Adam Ant, only one will survive. Beatle-based pop versus new romantic --- history will decide. (XTC versus Adam Ant, I can't tell you why.) Even the singer from Bow Wow Wow can't make up her mind!! XTC versus Adam Ant, time is marching on. XTC versus Adam Ant, there is no right or wrong.

There is no right or wrong.

PUTTING THE "SOCIAL" IN SOCIAL COMPUTING
Few of you will remember Pointcast, the first "Push Internet" provider. Wired Magazine put "PUSH" on their cover once, and everybody was really excited. Two brothers I knew (but have since forgotten their names since they are no longer important) started Pointcast, and they turned down $450 million for their company, only to sell it for less than $1 million a few weeks later. By then no one was excited anymore.

Now everyone is excited about "Social Computing"! But not me! I am too smart to buy Internet companies, except after they are broke, and I can scoop up the scattered brands and crushed egos for pennies on the dollar.

I joined LinkedIn, one of these networking sites, but quit soon after when I became far too popular. Too many people wanted to be my friend. However, I have joined Dodgeball.com, so I can find my buddies when I'm out for cocktails in the Lower East Side (LES!). All I have to do is send a message from my Treo 600 to nyc@dodgeball that says, perhaps, "@ Bulgarian", and all my friends will be notified of my whereabouts. Last night, after we all met up at Bulgarian, me and my buddies knocked back some of those big pint bottles of Eastern European beer, smoked Kents and got into a brawl with some Lithuanian sailors.

Perhaps he had a bad Kent, because the next thing I knew my friend and fellow CEO Jeff was really going nuts. He kept pulling at people's clothes, and screaming about them being FBI agents who were following him. Jeff really freaked out --- I totally dumped him from my Dodgeball circle this morning. Loser! It's a good thing he doesn't have a CEO blog like me --- who knows what kind of crazy stuff he would post?

LOCAL RITE-AID DESPERATE
I see that the Rite-Aid people have put a "specials circular" ad in the local newspaper, meaning that they are desperate to drum up business. Needless to say, if you are a CEO or even a less important person, check in with me about the lackadaisical way Judy and Wanda do business behind the cash register.

RITE-AID vs. WALGREENS
It is remarkable that some people still do not know
that I take everything personally. Just the other day,
Wanda who works at Rite-Aid asked me to lower my
voice while I was protesting that the checkout line
was moving too slowly.

Wanda was not happy because I proclaimed to all who would listen that the line at Walgreens never moves so slowly as at Rite-Aid. Wanda called Judy over the intercom to open register three, which mollified me somewhat, but Judy never showed up. Then a man buying four cases of Coca-Cola wanted to pay by check, and I threw up my hands and again protested. Wanda said, "Walgreen so great, why don't you go there?" And I responded that my prescriptions were set up at Rite-Aid, but that in the future I could certainly look at changing that. (And Walgreens is open 24 hours, which is good because sometimes I have trouble sleeping.)

I looked over at the photo services counter, and it seemed to me like Judy was hiding in the lab, but I could not be sure. Finally, after a woman in a bathrobe reached the counter and was attempting to pay $24.37 entirely in dimes, I stormed out without my medicine. Needless to say, I will never again shop at Rite-Aid --- Walgreens will have the pleasure of my business from now on.

I don't really need my medicine anyway.

HUDSON BAY HIDES FLIMFLAM BENEATH THE ICE
Without prejudice, my completely unbiased take on the scurrilous conduct of those who run Hudson Bay Resort & Casino.

Some people say that the failure of UnWired Omniverse: Wireless Network & Snowmobile Technology Expo was my fault. Do not think I have not heard those few voices in the wilderness. They say, "UnWired Omniverse failed because it was too ambitious and was too far away from the Arctic strip. And besides, Muckler pissed off everybody with his wild rants on his blog. He completely misjudged the market opportunity and made an ass of himself." But this is not the case. In reality, the reason the show failed is that Hudson Bay Resort & Casino cut room rates in the final weeks before the show, stopped placing chocolates on pillowcases and engaged in other unethical behavior. (While I will not disclose the nature of this behavior on my blog, call me at 1-900-555-HBXX and I will spill everything! $1.50 for the first minute, $0.60 for each minute thereafter!)

Now I see that Hudson Bay is advertising! As everyone knows, only firms that are on the brink of bankruptcy advertise. I have done my utmost to blacken the name of Hudson Bay Resort & Casino in all industry circles, and I will continue to do so until they are out of business, which should happen any time now. And then everyone will know, do not mess with Adlai Muckler, or not only will he sue you until your grandchildren need dentures, but he will write nasty things about you on his very widely-read blog.

(I'm pretty fucking intimidating for a little guy who dresses like Thurston Howell III, don't you think?)

(Please, please, please say yes.)

I will henceforth begin using the still-functioning speakerphone feature of my Treo 600 to further publicize the perfidy of Hudson Bay.

LOST LOVE

Mute Treo Six Cent
whispers in my ear no more
Lawsuit is pending

DIGITAL RIGHTS MANAGEMENT DEATH TO PIRATES [TK too extreme!]
Widespread digital piracyThe Internet Age has certainly encouragedforced all media companies to come to terms with face to face with the topic of Digital Rights Management - which I will henceforth abbreviate "DRM". Muckler Media, the company I work for,[AM: work for? It works for me!] faced major DRM considerations when it purchased DatRatYo --- an online seller of Motown-era album art.

When we picked up this stinker at a fire sale While conducting our due diligence of this acquisition, we came to realize that we were going to get screwed on the there was a paucity of information about DRM issues. We leapt courageously into the topic [TK: Can we tone this down?][AM: No.] and within a few weeks acquired DRM-STK.com (the only editorial product devoted to this topic of which I am aware) and launched a new trade show called DRoMniverse! being held this April in Long Island City. I might also add that oOur Muckler Research division is launching a DRM research practice to coincide with the previously mentioned sure-to-be-a-success trade show to be headed by a new employee with extensive experience working at for Tower Records.

Even though I have just announced this show, acquisition and new research practice, I am already receiving such personal accolades that it just proves that there is a need for them. [TK: Is this just hyperbole?][AM: Huh? One of those Greek sandwiches?] Digital Rights Management is so incredibly complex that the greatest minds of this generation have turned away from it in horror an intricate topic which requires a sure and steady guide. Never fear, Muckler Media is here.

[AM: I don't like all these edits, you've taken all the "lead" out of my "pencil".]
[TK: But you agreed with Mr. Cratchett that your blog should have a more "moderate and considered tone", and I am just trying to help you with that.]
[AM: This is ridiculous - you are making me sound like a sissy! You're fired. And since I lost my train of thought because of all this editing nonsense, I will be pursuing legal action against you for the approximate value of the lost thought.]
[TK: But I'm your daughter!]
[AM: There's no favoritism around here! No more editing!]